Ashfina

When the words can be blatantly spoken.

Why

Salah ku itu apa ya, ya Tuhan? Kenapa aku selalu begini? Jika memang aku salah, memang aku harus menerima hukuman sebesar ini? Aku tidak pernah berbuat jahat ke orang lain. Aku selalu diam supaya tidak menyakiti orang lain. Ya Tuhan, terkadang aku menyesal masuk dan menjadi mahasiswa HI. Bukan karena aku tidak suka dengan ilmunya, bukan karena banyaknya tugas yang ku dapat. Semua hal yang aku sukai seolah menutup pintunya rapat-rapat untukku. Jika aku bukan anak HI, aku yakin pintu-pintu itu pasti terbuka lebar. Memang salah ku itu apa ya Tuhan? Jika memang aku tidak berbakat, apakah aku tidak boleh mendapatkan kesempatan untuk mencoba belajar? Kenapa mereka begitu padaku? Karena mereka tidak suka padaku? Memang aku sudah berbuat apa terhadap mereka? Kenapa dari dulu aku selalu menerima semua perlakuan ini? Salah ku itu apa?

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It is Simply Enough

 

There is no freedom of expression, in here. So I’d better be silent. Because anything I say, no matter how right you are and how big your effort is, no matter how potential you are, they won’t see it. Because all they see is you are a threat that needs to be devastated. For that, I remain silent. This kind of thoughts might be wrong. I might look like a coward. But it is better this way. So I won’t have to encounter those painful experiences anymore. Because I can’t bear all of these painful, unfair, fate anymore.

 

Will I be Here?

CommencementThis is a part of MIT Commencement view prior to the commencement, I suppose. The question of “Will I be Here?” has been whirring in my head for 5 years since I graduated from middle school. Do not ever think that this is a form of ambition because it is not an ambition at all. It is such a dream that has not been pursued yet. I have always dreamed of being MIT student since middle school. At first, I planned to take any engineering majors if accepted because I was so in love with physics. But when I underwent life in secondary school, I realized that I was not good at it. Now, I am an IR student. It was a little bit sad to know that mom wants me to major IR and not architecture that I’ve always desired.

Since I stepped my foot in secondary school, I planned to continue my higher education here, taking my undergraduate program in MIT. I have genuinely never had any thoughts to be an UI student. MIT has lots of compelling things to offer. Celebrating diversity is also my reason to be there. Doing research, trying to apply, and looking for financial aid were what I actively did in secondary school.

At first, everything what I plan, my dream in MIT was dashed or vanished because I am an IR student or social science student, can I still continue my master degree there? My question for master degree in social science was answered thereafter. MIT is the best institution ever in the world that is not a holy grail for engineering student. But also for social sciences student. They have faculty named SHASS standing for School of Humanity, Arts, and Social Sciences. They definitely have IR concentrations under Department of Politics.

MIT SHASS

Taken from MIT instagram @mitpics, the photograph of MIT SHASS

I thought I am so in love with this institution and can’t wait to be their students and be a part of MIT family. HERE IT IS! That is the picture I just took. Since the first day of my college day kick-off, I plan to take Department of Politics or MITSloan as my preferences for master degree program. I plan to take International Relations and Security Studies if accepted in Dept. of Politics. I do hope this one, my dream, can be solely pursued. Love love MIT.

No Need to Define Yourself

But an accurate definition of the self is impossible. You are more than you realize, more than you can define. And the more time you spend trying to nail down the definition, the less time you spend living right now. Your past is not your identity. You, living now, is your identity.

~ George Lawrence-Ell (The Invisible Clock)

 

September to December 2014: Massive Transformation

It is a rare opportunity I ever got in life to have fast connection. I bought daily data and the quota seems to never end. That explains why I can go back here and write some stuff. My last post was on July or August talking about orientation preparation. It has been 5 months after orientation and I have an opportunity to write now. My current college life is so much different from what I had a year ago. Sometimes, I couldn’t believe that all my prayers in my gap year were granted. I got accepted in two favorite majors, particularly IR, could be a member of a debate society, can meet a lot of awesome people, and have tons of challenging things every day. I am so confused to start telling the whole story in my first semester college life.

Being a freshman here is totally different. In my past university, I only got orientation within a week and everything was done. No wonder I could be a passive student (I was a passive student because I was not so passionate about the university and major).  Yet, in here, the orientation was so long and exhausting especially for the major orientation. It was called TKHI (International Relations Family Meeting). For orientation level, I thought somehow TKHI was so beneficial and far from negative things. We were orientated as an IR student and taught to survive in IR. Although, there must be some annoying activities, I admit, but it’s so resourceful. My salutation goes for the committee.

My college life in the first semester was full of orientation thingies. Sometimes, when I am sick of all of its agendas, I thought I went to college not to study but to be orientated. I had only few classes in the first semester, but the agendas after class was so full and tiring. I had to be home very late, did some things I don’t like, and so on. If it were not for getting accepted as their member of student union, I would not do this till the end. Aside of it, I am still grateful to be there, around great people. When I’ve moved to this university and my current major, I felt there is something different. I truly can explore myself, hobbies, and interests here. I still remember clearly how suffocating my past college life was.

The next great thing I got was being accepted as a debate society member! Yes! I have always wanted to be a part of them. It is such a place I have always dreamed of in my whole life. I know I am not really good at debating and in need of practice to be so much better, but since high school, I have always committed to myself that I would join this society. The feeling of knowing about the acceptance is indescribable. I was so passionate to learn more and more. However, somehow, I always feel demotivated to do the regular practice and meet the other members. The atmosphere of the society was so ambitious and competitive. I always think that there is no room for me to at least try a competition and become its delegate. Even sometimes the orientation worsen it. For instance, the final orientation fell on the same time when the internal competition for new comers of the society conducted.

I think that is the biggest opportunity that I lost to mingle with other members and be confident in the society. I do not need at all to tell the whole story of being the member, but the point is sometimes I have low self-esteem to be with them in the society. Like it’s only a place for good ones. Let’s proceed to another story. As an political and social sciences student, I realize and understand the big difference between natural science student and social student. When I was a civil engineering student, I was so busy and stressed out every day. Tons of work await to get done, no fun subjects at all, and so forth. But in here, I think this is my place because I have never felt stressed out, I like studying here.

Most of all, in the first semester, there is bunch of stories to tell and even though I got heavy and super busy orientation for 4 months, I relieved that it doesn’t bother my GPA. It is good enough for social first timer student. Second semester will definitely be full of activities outside of studying and college life. Hopefully, in the second semester I will be better and my GPA can be satisfactory. Last, I might be busy during every semester, so, I will  write if I have good time and opportunity and story.

Welcoming Futuristic Days, Months, Years, and Life

So after celebrating all this satisfactory achievements, now, it’s time to be serious and focus. I don’t want to be drown to this lasting happiness then forget everything. This year, I have committed to myself that I want to be consistent to undergo my three and a half (hopefully) years ahead in International Relations UI, take it seriously, make more achievements, and use time efficiently. I also want to start again learning languages that have been postponed two years ago for examination focus purposes.

Lately, I have been preparing things for student orientation period like the scrapbook, slayer, name tag, and making group (the hard one). Now, everything feels so different. Totally everything feels unprecedented. For instance, last year, I was so apathetic with the orientation till my parents (both) mostly took over the job to make things done. Well, my parents did that for reasons. I wasn’t into with the major at all. I wasn’t accepted into my desired major and university then my parents insisted me to take another exam and that thing above happened. But now, I feel happy doing all this stuff all by myself. I even want to beautify the orientation assignment like putting on more ornaments and pictures although I don’t do that (the committee doesn’t want us to be exaggerated). I have been enjoying this moment indeed.

This time, I don’t have to exhaust my dad to drive and wait for me till drop when orientation like in the past. Fifteen minutes needed to drive me there and my father can go home safely since UI is pretty close with my resident. Starting now, there are no longer dismissive behaviors that turn me down. I am not an underdog anymore. I am someone now. Now, I am starting my new futuristic life.

More ambitiously, I have a vision about where to go after graduating from UI in hopefully 2018. It’s MIT Sloan School of Management, the new destination that I hope it will be a right place for me and right target to achieve thereafter. GMAT and GRE will become necessity for the requirements I should take to fulfill my magister’s degree application. In my next post, I will tell the whole story of having a decision to plan to study at MIT Sloan. Now the targets I have should pursue are be well planned and organized. So that, from now on, I gotta be focus to my academic life. I don’t want my time to be wasted.

The Past Prior to Victory

Before being accepted as international relations student, I was accepted as communication student at the same university. As you may know, I followed two university entrance test, SBMPTN and SIMAK UI (independent examination to enter certain university held by University of Indonesia). Thank god, in the first upshot, it told me that I am accepted as communication student at UI. I was happy but not as happy as now. Because not long after that, I am accepted as international relations student.

I am totally grateful for the achievement I got so far. So, taking a gap year and focusing only on university entrance exam ain’t a waste at all. I couldn’t be happier than live this surprising year that truly depicts my passion and prayers. To make my post more cool, here I attach a captured upshot.

Pengumuman SBMPTN

This is one of great achievements I deserve to obtain so far. This year is truly tremendous. What a lovely year. Hard work is paid now. Prayers are granted. Good deeds will never be in vain.

I am the International Relations Student of Universitas Indonesia

I’m very startled. My prayer is granted. I can’t believe that this truly happens! So yesterday, after I finished eating to start fasting, three of my friends asked me about the SIMAK result. I was puzzled by their questions since all I know was SIMAK UI upshot would have been pronounced today.

In a very split of time I realized that the committee might run the schedule forward. I briskly went on the internet and got ready for the worst. I braved myself to see the result. And out of my expectation, I am accepted as the International Relations Students of Universitas Indonesia!

 

Siti Rizqi Ashfina Rahmaddina Siregar, test number 2024900148, I am legitimately accepted in Department of International Relations, Faculty of Social Science and Political Science, University of Indonesia.

This year is not a waste at all. Now, I believe that big sacrifice will get big reward. I deserve this. I might have not admitted and realized that my passion is actually this. If looking back a year ago or so, I might be in my dark age where I should attend a class that I was not truly passionate about at all. But this year is very tremendous. All hard work is paid. My never-know-tireless studying has driven me to this victory. The ups and downs that I have been through, the underestimation that I have got, the sadness, the climb, and all that have indirectly made me a better person personally.

I have never believed that I will be accepted in that major since I know it’s hard to reach out with limited quotas. But yesterday, that morning, my parents witnessed my victory and I can finally give them a pride they’ve been waiting for all this time. Restlessness is all paid off. Two exams I followed admitted me that I deserve to be University of Indonesia student. Seeing this, I have never regret a thing and had any remorse to leave my original path, natural science. Now, I can prove to my friends that I am now at the same level like they are.

So, a year ago, my friends might undermine me for not being accepted in any university and having too high dreams. But now, I have achieved more than what they have. Not having any intention to be conceited, but being successful to reach out this major gives me a power to subvert all of disparagement from people who despised me.

If people ask me now, what truly depicts me currently, I’ll answer “Grateful”. FISIP UI ahead, next target: conquer the whole things there and get the best GPA. It may be a bit ambitious, but, yeah. Catching up a year of delay is now becoming necessity.

FISIP UI, I am coming!

A Sheet of Beatrix Potter's Novel

Expectation vs Reality

It’s 4 more days!

Yes, 4 more days I’ll get to know the result of the university entrance test. To be honest, this is horrifying. Waiting for results is utterly excruciating. During this time, all that have been whirring in my head is “God, please grant my prayers.” Plus, if looking back to the wrongdoings that I might do in test, it makes me worried more and more.

Since the university entrance exam was done, I’ve never wanted to go on to zenius, the online learning I used to use to prepare myself for university entrance exam since the preparation and exam were done. I don’t even want to check my answers with the key, just let God give me the best result that is feasible and comparable with my effort. As those in what happens in presidential election this time, where several survey institutions issue different quick counts, now the two candidates let the general commission of election do the real count for the official result.

After days having not gone on the internet as I used to do, today I just opened up a twitter account, unofficial, but gives more certainty information regarding entrance exam. So, here it is as you can see below:

It’s been only hopes that I can see so far while waiting for the certainty and miracle that may hopefully happen.

I always remember what my mom always says to me:

“If you are destined to be there, then there’s no need to be worried about.

God will lead you to there very smoothly.”

That quote always convinces me to keep unruffled, believe in my capability, and stay confident.