Renaissance for Triumphs

by kikysiregar

I’ve missed my figurative illogical words! Finally I write again after being in the throes of doing things-that-soon-will-be-righteously-rewarded. It has almost been a year I haven’t written something on this blog intentionally as I busied myself with all those preparations thingy.

I always hanker for writing and pouring down my thoughts on blog but my intention to do the things-that-soon-will-be-righteously-rewarded didn’t let my time be wasted in vain. Now, I am officially free notwithstanding that I still have a burden to wait for something I have expected and waited for such a long time. I really hope it will be a triumph.

Anyway, the case point is I am solely able to write. Again.

It’s going to be a sort of long blog. I am pouring down every letter of my thoughts. As the title “Renaissance” and “Triumphs” written above, both words are very crucial for me currently. Although renaissance literally has a meaning, for me, now, it is an equivocal word. It has many meanings to interpret. It can be about the time, me, life, and “war”. This year is not merely a year. Expectations and dreams are all one. Also, things I want to reach undoubtedly get more palpable.

Two of renaissance meanings for me here are that I can control myself to be more unruffled so that I can’t get easily panicked and finally find my passion to ensure myself that what I am passionate about will bring happiness solely to life. And for the triumphs, it’s sort of complicated but the essence is get the best result.

Undergoing the gap year, seeing my friends already having their college life or coincidentally meeting them up somewhere is a painful experience to be honest, yet motivating me to be better too. I am always sad every time I remember them. I can’t conceal that feeling. Remorse and regret are two absolute things that had filled my day. (But it’s not really every day).

I still remember clearly not long ago at this very time (currently 2 AM) I used to waking up at this crack of dawn to do “the important things”, trudged out of my room with half-closed eyes, and forced myself to be fresh to absorb the materials I need to understand. I have ever stayed up all night long on the weekend as I wanted my six hours to be useful (well it happened when I was still a civil engineering student). Gladly, not long after I (read: mom) decided to quit from college, I didn’t have to do that crazy routines or I’d be going crazy in real life.

The encouragement and spirit I have always make me try to better myself each day, always make me chin up notwithstanding that the ups and downs or dismissive behaviors from few people oftentimes undermined me, but they didn’t turn me down.

Anyway, I haven’t had nice mood to tweet or check social media to look around for two years. I too enjoyed my time doing it so that there lies a stance or exaggeratedly “a consensus” to myself that I won’t tweet or make updates on social media  that can trigger my friends to comment and ask my current condition. I just want them to see me when I have achieved my dreams.

I have made myself to be self willed. You may have to know that being determined to stand on your stance without listening to what people around you say of you ain’t easy one to do. Few or most people may judge me from many perspective. Few may say that I am not capable because my dreams are too high or I am not well skilled and so forth.

Yet, people don’t understand. I have to be helpless to clarify the truth they don’t know. Because I can’t force them to understand my life even though I know that they might be wrong, can I?

To be honest, I want all that I do to end happily and immediately. I have been so exhausted and bored and sad. However, aside of all those struggle time and precious experiences that truly amazingly are remarkable, now I can only keep on praying for the best result. I still always make myself unruffled and stay positive or optimistic towards what’s going to happen within two or three weeks ahead.

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